I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
