Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
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the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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