i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
the condom got lost in my hair
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
