If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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