he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
