After last night, I could never be a politician.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
