Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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