I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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