she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
