Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
