I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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