You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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