On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
