I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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