I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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