Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just tell him i said nine months
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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