i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
