Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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