Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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