I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
