Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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