You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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