Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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