I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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