I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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