saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
