I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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