Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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