I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
