Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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