cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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