I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
