I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
And the cops told us we were all naked.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
