My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
