You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
