he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Congratulations! We have a period
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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