It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
