Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
When are your genitals available?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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