I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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