I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
