Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
