I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
