This is not my ceiling
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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