Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
