My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
