apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Randomize
