May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
