you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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