She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
