direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
