if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
