I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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