Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
