Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
