Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
