it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
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So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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