Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
