paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Jerry, you need to find god
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
