I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
