I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
