Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
