omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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