If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
